It’s a tough job, but somebody’s got to cover the Sea Gals auditions

By Jim Moore
Special to SeattlePI.com
April 19, 2010

It’s pathetic, I know. A grown man should be with his family on a Sunday night, not hanging out at Qwest Field with half-dressed females who are trying out for the Sea Gals.

The guilt was really getting to me until the music started playing, the girls started dancing, the hair started flying and, well, I decided to roll with it because these are the types of sacrifices family men make from time to time to pay the bills.

For a change this year, I thought about approaching this assignment like a respected journalist would — you know, writing a straight-forward story about the competition while leaving out subjective impressions and snide remarks.

But then I heard Sea Gal prospect Brittany of Eatonville talk about the importance of staying true to yourself, and it was such a deep statement that I took her advice, and here we are, back with another biased report on Sunday night’s auditions…

Like the NFL draft on ESPN, this has turned into a very big deal. You could watch it on a webcast at seahawks.com. Tony Ventrella hosted the show, and Sequoia, a former Sea Gal herself, was the color analyst. The whole production lasted 3 ½ hours, longer than a Seahawks game, and it took forever to tally the judges’ votes.

I watched the proceedings from a courtside seat, behind two of the judges, KING-TV’s Chris Egan and the guest of honor, Amber Lancaster.

You remember her — she used to be Amber the Sea Gal, and now she’s Amber the Hollywood starlet. She’s been seen in episodes of “Friday Night Lights” and “Entourage,” and she’s one of Drew Carey’s models on “The Price is Right.”

In June, she’ll be the fantasy interest of the star character in the MTV Series, “The Hard Times of RJ Berger.” Check out the trailer here: http://www.mtv.com/shows/hard_times/season_1/series.jhtml.

Amber Lancaster is 29, but she still looks youthful enough to play Jenny Swanson, the All-American knockout blonde at Pinkerton High.

“I always say I’m from Seattle, and I didn’t have any sun growing up so I’m really well preserved,” Amber said of pulling off the role of a high-school girl.

Also in June, Amber will be featured in a Maxim magazine photo spread. Professionally, she’s cruising right along, and personally, she’s “newly single” after ending a three-year relationship with her boyfriend.

“I don’t know what’s going on, I think I’m a pretty good catch,” she said. “I’m just kind of picky. I want someone who will make me laugh and will talk about something I have no idea what he’s talking about and is passionate about what he does and is driven and ambitious.

“You don’t even have to be hot. Personality’s way more important. That’s not too much to ask, is it?”

Most of it, no. But driven and ambitious, yes.

Anyway, it was good to see her — as I’ve mentioned many times before, I’m her biggest fan because she actually sat on a sidewalk outside of a Federal Way gas station many years ago to attract vehicles to a fundraising car wash the Go 2 Guy was having for a bed-ridden reader, Howard Hanson. What’s happening to her now in Hollywood is well-deserved.

Will Lewis, the Seahawks vice president of pro personnel, was another judge. He said his three teen-aged boys were extremely excited about their dad’s gig and asked: “Can we go?”

“No, no, no,” Lewis told them. “This is legitimate work.”

Before the dancing began, I asked one of four Brittanies if she knew who the Seahawks’ quarterback was.

“No,” said the auburn-haired Brittany from Eatonville who was trying out for the Sea Gals for the third year in a row.

“Matt Hasselbeck,” I said.

“I’ve heard of him,” she said before adding: “I’m not a football girl, I’m a dance girl. I’ll know more once I make the team.”

Fifty-two girls competed for 27 spots. They came out two at a time and danced to Adam Lambert’s “For Your Entertainment.” Each girl also gave an answer to one of five questions. That part of the program should be eliminated — it’s the same kind of stuff you hear on the beauty pageants. If you’re at Qwest Field during a timeout of a Seahawks’ game, you don’t care how Shelly the Sea Gal answered the question, you want to see her gyrate on the sideline.

I get it though — the Sea Gals make community appearances, and they don’t want any Miss Teen South Carolina USAs on their squad, embarrassing the Hawks in public.

Each girl wore a black sport bra top — I guess that’s what you’d call it — and short black shorts. I have never seen so many whitened teeth and tanned bodies in one room at one time in my entire life.

I dutifully took notes, pretending to be the diligent reporter I’m not, attempting to disguise the leering wretch of a human being that I am. And in my honest opinion, I thought No. 8, Becky H., was the lock of locks. She was the hottest, sexiest dancer I saw all night long.

The fact that she did not make the team is an outrage. I threw a red flag in protest, but Sea Gals director Sherri Thompson didn’t see it so now I’m taking my protest to the NFL.

I will represent Becky H. in any and all protest hearings, arguing that she was wrongfully aced out by a new Sea Gal who should have been benched by the platinum blonde police. I don’t know jack about good hair or bad hair, but I’ve never seen hair like this before, and I don’t want it on my Qwest Field sideline.

It’s a weird deal — when Thompson announced a number, the girl would race to the center of the stage, understandably elated. It’s the Sea Gals’ version of an amped-up rose ceremony.

After she called the last number, the girls who got the thorns gathered their things in a hallway and headed to their cars. I didn’t see any tears, just a lot of disappointment and calls to friends and relatives to relay the bad news.

Becky H. was a better sport than I would have been if I were in her dancing shoes, saying: “It’s one of those things. You never know what they’re looking for. I felt good about what I did. If I didn’t do my best, I’d be crushed, but I did my best.”

In the judges’ defense, they were mostly on the money, voting for all 15 Sea Gals who were on the team last year, including Natalie C., who’s a candidate for most gorgeous Sea Gal ever; and 12 newcomers featuring Laura N., a Coug, and Chantale, a PLU grad student.

As for Brittany, the auburn-haired girl from Eatonville who didn’t know Hasselbeck from Hasselhoff, she’ll have plenty of time to read up on the Seahawks — she didn’t make the team.